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[28 Feb 2009|01:34am]
in other places, do they also talk about how dope we are?
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[24 Nov 2008|12:25am]
it wasn't worth it.
it's so pathetic but all i say say now, is i'm sorry.
i don't know how it is happened. how i've become so ruthless. perhaps because for a long time i was so bound, so restricted, not "allowed." I wasn't allowed to do this or do that, and so now i feel like getting my revenge, or not even revenge, but for the first time really being free to do do anything and everything i want, and that's why i jump to the absolute most catastrophic situations. i feel so awful. it literally shoots through me. i feel sick even thinking about it. how? how? how did this make sense in my head? how i did i think it was going to be OK? i'm so sorry. for just one moment, when i stop thinking about myself and look at the situation from your perspective- when i think about how you must have felt, what a kick in the stomach. what a cheap shot. i'm so sorry. why? why? i'm asking not only myself now but the universe! anyone? does anyone know? do you know? you said you saw it coming- why? there's nothing really there. or at least nothing that wouldn't have gone away in a few minutes. i'm sorry because i do have feelings for you. as much as i said i didn't and told myself that i didn't and believed my own lies and reinforced them so much to myself that night that perhaps that would drove me- my own lies. but i do- i care so much about you and when i think of how this must make you feel, even though you won't say anything about it- i know its there, and guilt consumes me. i haven't formally asked for your forgiveness. please forgive me. that's not the kind of person i am. i don't know what kind of person i am, actually, but if this is the time when i get decide, then i decide to not be the kind of person who can use other people so shamelessly and think it'll be OK. i am deciding to not be someone who hurts people who have been nothing but wonderful. every moment we've had together has been great. i had hoped for more. i still do. is that naive? is that just out of this world obnoxious? again, i'm sorry if it is. my whole life the bad things i've done i've been able to correct- i've found ways to make it OK. i've found solutions. i don't have an answer. i don't have anything here other than guilt and shame. and the best that i can do is come to you, and genuinely ask for you to understand the fact that i hate myself for this. i hate myself and i can't forgive myself until you do. so if you never do, i never will. and if you do understand, and if you could find it within yourself, to remember why we were friends in the first place- because you were my enlightened adviser. so could advise me here? please? i don't "pity" you because that is below you. you have more dignity and grace, kindness and good- i have never met someone who is as pure as you at the core. and i hope you can feel this- i hope you know its real. i hope you know that if it wasn't, i wouldn't. i would just move along, not feel bad, and be on my merry way. but i'm not. and that makes me think that perhaps, there is still a shot that i'm not that person, and that i'll learn from this, and that i'll never do something like that again. and that i can learn this lesson without losing you forever. because i'm afraid that at this point that's the only option- that's the only thing you'll want. and that's so scary to me. i'm sorry. please forgive me. find it in your heart to understand that i'm just running and chasing after something or away from something- myself. i have to start doing the right thing. not what feels good. but the right thing. you said follow your heart. well this is my heart. as it turns out my mind, body, and heart are not on the same page though. and as far as my heart is concerned it doesn't want anyone else. and if you were here, all three would agree that it would only be you. which would obviously go against what i said i thought i wanted, but that's the truth. if we could separate matters of the heart and of the body, with the mind as the middle link between the two- we'd find that my heart is angry with my body because my body just keeps fucking shit up. and in the end, it hurts the heart. and my heart wants a clean slate. a fresh start. and it need time to heal from all the damage my body's done to it. so if the matters of the heart were more important and would mean more to you, than the actions of the body, then perhaps you would find peace and solace and forgive my body for what it's done, and look at my heart, and understand that it's exactly where it was when you left. with you.

it's wrong/ it's wrong/ it's wrong

i don't want to take any kind of credit, but i feel i need to take responsibility. somehow you've ended up suffering a great deal as a result of all this, and for that i have to ask for your forgiveness. this is an awful excuse i know, but i think there's truth it- so much of this is just a matter of not having known better. everyone else, with even just a few more years of life experience, is able to look and say, "well, duh. what did you think would happen?" and yet somehow, i really thought everything would be ok. if i could undo it- i would. this is easily the biggest mistake of my life thus far, and with it have come many valuable lessons. i regret that i had to learn this lesson with your family though. and i only see it now- and i don't know how that works- how can something that is so clear and obvious to me now have appeared then? or maybe it did and i just found a way to selfishly justify it? sadly, as much as i strain now i can't remember what i thought, and why i thought it would be OK. clearly its not, and once again, i have nothing more to say than, i am so deeply, deeply, soul wrenchingly sorry. i'm sorry. and i don't know what i can, if anything, to fix the harm that i've done. the only thing i can think of at this point is distance. lots and lots of distance. distance that will hopefully, give time enough room to work it's magic. i'm sorry. how could i? i don't know. i've watched myself create this mess and i am dumbfounded by my actions. i am disgusted in myself. on some level i thought i'd won something. i'd accomplished something. i'd proven some point. but i see now i've accomplished nothing. i've created a pointless pile of destruction. i not stronger or cooler or more powerful because of this. this was no great feat.
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[22 Nov 2008|02:36am]
i cannot wait until the day that you are nothing but a distant memory
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something to ponder [29 Jun 2008|10:46pm]
There was a one hour interview on CNBC with Warren Buffet,
the second richest man who has donated $31 billion to charity.

Here are some very interesting aspects of his life:

1. He bought his first share of stock at age 11 and he now regrets

that he started too late!

2. He bought a small farm at age 14 with savings from delivering

3. He still lives in the same, small 3-bedroom house in midtown

Omaha that he
bought after he got married 50 years ago. He says that

he has everything he needs in that house. His house does not have a

wall or a fence.

4. He drives his own car everywhere and does not have a driver or

security people around him.

5. He never travels by private jet, although he owns the world's

largest priva te jet company.

6. His company, Berkshire Hathaway, owns 63 companies. He

only one letter each year to the CEOs of these companies, giving them

goals for the year. He never holds meetings or calls them on a

regular basis. He has given his CEO's only two rules. Rule number 1:

Do not lose any of your shareholder's money. Rule number 2: Do not

forget rule number 1.

7. He does not socialize with the high society crowd. His

after he gets home is to make himself some popcorn and watch


8. Bill Gates, the world's richest man, met him for the first time

only 5 years ago. Bill Gates did not think he had anything in common

with Warren Buffet. So, he had scheduled his meeting only for half

hour. But when Gates met him, the meeting lasted for ten hours and

Bill Gates became a devotee of Warren Buffet.

9. Warren Buffet does not carry a cell phone, nor has a computer on
his desk.

His advice to young people: 'Stay away from credit cards and invest

in yourself and remember:

A. Money doesn't create man, but it is the man who created money.

B. Live your life as simple as you are.

C. Don't do what othe rs say. Just listen to them, but do what

you feel good.

D. Don't go on brand name. Wear those things in which you
feel comfortable.

E. Don't waste your money on unnecessary things. Spend on
those who

really are in need.

F. After all, it's your life. Why give others the chance to

your life?
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[26 Jun 2008|01:12am]
There are no saints, no heroes here.
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Downstream thoughts [21 Jun 2008|12:00am]
it's all downstream.
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[26 Apr 2008|04:33pm]
i dunno
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poop [01 Mar 2008|08:59pm]
my performance last night felt amazing.

tonight, it felt like shit.

and now i'm sad.
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[08 Jan 2008|10:33am]

best angie and brad post ever

oh hey bbs. happy new year! yes i am alive. and happier than ever. i've been in san diego with evan from the 17th of december and will stay until the 27 of jan. i got a job as a teller at wells fargo so i leave next week back up to orange to train for two weeks, and then school starts again!!

so far this break has been really fantastic. i have fallen deeply in love with san diego, and everything about it. downtown is so gorgeous, and clean mind you, and the suburbs are fantastic! the best part is the people. san diego kids LOVE sd. i really had no idea about this place, and it's so incredible. really thinking about settling down here in about 7-10 years.

i've been thinking about my life a lot lately. this concept of it being my life is still foreign to me. i'm starting to do random little things just because i want to and i can and i need to remind myself that i make the calls in my life. so much has changed within the last few months, and i feel more is about to happen, much much more. the things i have planned out for my life are absolutely fantastic and i have no interest in doing anything less than that. there a million and a half things i want to do, see, own, change, etc. i'm so excited about my life. i feel that i have to attribute a lot of this newfound freedom and vigor to evan's presence in my life. he has brought so much joy and peace to my life. every day i fall more in love with him, even though everyday i think i max out my capability to love any more. yet i don't. i sink deeper into his chest each night. i feel safer wrapped up in his arms each day. i wake up to his wet hair on my forehead and his soft kisses on my cheeks every morning even happier than the day before. how? i don't know. my heart grows i guess. this morning he was running in and out of our room getting ready for work and i start being goofy with him and he comes over and says, "four and a half months later, i still get really excited to see you." i feel so disappointed with how long we've technically been together. 4 months isn't very impressive and i don't think it does us justice, but i guess you have to look at quality not quantity. i had a dream the other night where i remember referring to him as, "her father." i can' wait to have kids with him. it's very far away and i'm equally looking for all sorts of things that i want to share with him, but that's a pretty big one.

life is so amazing. cherish it. make the best of it. make the choice not to hold on to anger and petty negativity, because it grows and consumes you when you indulge in it. LOVE life. love YOURSELF. be GRATEFUL TO GOD. live with PASSION. that's what i'm going to do.



ps we got mani's and pedi's yesterday, so i have golden toes and lovely red nails. lovesit.
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[03 Oct 2007|12:49am]
There is a time for everything and a season for every purpose under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die
a time to plant and a time to harvest
a time to kill and a time to heal
a time to tear down and a time to build up
a time to weep and a time to laugh
a time to mourn and a time to dance
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather tham
a time to embrace and a time to turn away
a time to sear and a time to give up as lost
a time to keep and a time to throw away
a time to tear apart and a time to sew together
a time to be silent and a time to speak
a time to love and a time to hate
a time for war and a time for peace
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
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i'm sorry, but [28 Sep 2007|04:44pm]
i really miss being thin.
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[22 Sep 2007|07:11pm]
"wife" is the most beautiful word i've ever heard
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Laughing in the library [24 May 2007|12:17pm]
is apparently looked down upon... weird.

Anyway, I finished high-school this afternoon. Epic.

What makes it even better is that I totally cheated on my last day, which in our program is essentially impossible, and got 100%, which means I went out with quite a bang.

It's weird for me because I didn't go to school so I don't have that sadness about it being over- instead I just have to wonderful feeling or relief and "fuck yah!!" because 4 years of work is a long time, and a lot of work, and now it's done. For me that fear and sadness is coming from having to let go of my core-group and in time, friends who are going far away to college. I am in total denial of how far away New York is AJ. As far as I'm concerned, it's actually just like half an hour away, and I will still see you at least once a week.

In true Anastasia spirit, I procrastinated and almost didn't get it done until the last minute, but then found a way out. YES. I love moments where I do something so "me" because it reminds me of who I am, and that I haven't lost that.

Lately, instead of living my life, I feel like I've been watching a movie about it.
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Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same [14 May 2007|11:33pm]
I've defined "cheating" as "choosing yourself above another."
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Update [05 May 2007|11:52pm]
I am 18.

I am in love.

I had the most amazing party, with greatest people in the world.

I love my life.
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Theory: [04 Mar 2007|11:01pm]
Body: Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder.

Absence makes the ego get anxious.

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[24 Feb 2007|10:12pm]
I got into Chapman. I went on a life changing retreat. I've gone through many changes and I'm in a much better place than I thought I could be. I love life and feel closer to what's important now, more than ever.

I also have such a gorgeous new layout that I feel I need to start using this thing again, just so I can look at it more often.

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[25 Jan 2007|11:43pm]
oh hi!

so you know, all sorts of exciting things happening.

life is good.

i'm a crazyhot motherfucker.

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WORD [04 Jan 2007|09:36pm]

In the year 2007 I resolve to:
Stop being a productive member of society.

Get your resolution here.

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el sweet-o el deal-o [14 Dec 2006|03:39pm]
So basically I was pulling out of the target parking lot making a right, and the next thing I know, this dude flies into me. I checked several times to make sure there was no on-coming traffic and though I saw lights in the distance, I swear he came out of no where. It'll end being my fault, but seriously, one of the weirdest moments in my life. My take on the thing is that he was porbably changing lanes (and going way over 40 seeing as how my car was dragged along and my bumper actually stuck to his doors and fell off onto the sidewalk when he pulled over) and went into mine. Or something like that. I don't know. I was going into the far right lane and then BAMZ!
Thank God for Luke and Sean, the oh-so adroable police officers who made this bareable. K, I so wish you were there. You would have diiiieeddd. Add "cute copper" to our list ;]

Anyway. Yeah. Stoked.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Luke. With my license plate which we later discovered in the middle of Sepulveda Blvd.

no really, LOVES it.

bye pirate ship ... :[
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